Mendel Letters 99 — Fatherhood
October 15, 2022
Dear Mendel,
When Judi and I married in September 1976 I “inherited” her daughters Heidi and Rachel ages 11 and 8. I knew the girls since they were 5 and 2 because of my involvement in the Community Center and camp and before Judi and I married we lived in the same apartment building along with other Center members so sometimes I babysat for them. Judi and I got married in her 5th floor apartment. Before the ceremony, friends helped us move all of her furniture down to my 4th floor apartment and with the help of the girls and my friend Mel we painted the walls and de-waxed and re-waxed the floors.
Although I knew the girls for most of their lives it was much harder being a stepfather than I imagined. I know it was very difficult for them. Your advice was to wait and things would get better.
When I have friends in a similar situation, my advice is to remember that when you are a teenager having a stepfather is like having a second appendix; you feel you don’t really need the first one. It probably doesn’t help them much, but hopefully they realize that their situation is not unique and they should try to stay loving and supportive even when they feel rejected. The other thing I learned was that no matter how hard their teenage years are to live through, things get better when they are about 25. I think I actually learned that lesson from you once I was no longer a teenager and you and I were able to talk.
Because Judi was six years older than me and because of the ages of the girls, we decided to try for a baby pretty quickly. A year later Judi was pregnant and Solomon was born in May 1978. When Judi was pregnant I wanted the full “Dad” experience. In those days in order for a father to be in the delivery room the parents had to complete Lamaze training. The Lamaze method stresses special breathing techniques during labor. As Judi’s partner and coach, my job was to keep her as relaxed as possible by helping her focus on breathing. In the Lamaze method the mother is only administered an epidural if the pain becomes too intense and she requests it.
When Judi was pregnant I was driving the midnight shift for the Transit Authority. One morning during her 8th month one of the other drivers on the B60 route flagged me down to give me the message that the baby was on its way. I knew Heidi was there and was helping her mother, but I signed out of my second shift during our meal break and headed home. It turned out Judi wasn’t ready to go to the hospital until after noon and Solomon didn’t arrive until almost 5 PM. In the delivery room I asked the doctor if I could take pictures but the doctor said if I wanted to stay there I had to continue coaching so photographs were out. When Solomon was born I was bursting with joy.
Because I had such difficulty in getting a job during the economic downtown of the mid-1970s, we decided I would continue to work at the Transit Authority and Judi would take a six month maternity leave from her position as assistant director at the day care center. As soon as I could I switched from Midnights to PMs working shifts from 2 PM until 10 PM. This allowed me to pick up overtime mini-runs during the morning rush hour. Transit was a good union job and as a new bus driver I was making more money than Judi did as the assistant director of the day care center with five years of experience and a master’s degree.
The arrival of Solomon made a big difference in my relationship with Heidi and Rachel who really loved their little brother and realized that I came along with him. We were a package deal. The girls were also a tremendous help with their baby brother, so much so that I had to plead for a chance to change diapers. In my spare time, I built Solomon’s baby furniture. It had four components that served as a changing table with draws and storage space and could later come apart and be used as toddler furniture.
Mother had a sharp eye that spared us a lot of “tsuris.” In the hospital she noticed that Solomon’s color was off. She told the doctor and tests showed that he was jaundiced. Judi’s breast milk was interfering with normal liver maturity so he had to be put on formula.
That September I left the Transit Authority and started as a high school social studies teacher. We also moved across the street from Fairfield Towers to Starrett City from a two-bedroom to a three-bedroom apartment. When we applied for the apartment, Judi was pregnant and we had the two girls so we were eligible for three bedrooms. When we went to the pre-move in check-in, the agent said to Judi that the application says she is pregnant but that she didn’t look pregnant. This is while baby Solomon was sitting on her lap.
In December, Judi returned to the day care center but this time as director of the entire program and Solomon went to a baby sitter in a neighboring building who had her own infant son. Manoli and Solomon loved each other and she took care of him until he was two and a half and old enough to go to the day care center with Judi. Judi and I talked about having another baby but as director of the day care center Judi did not want to take another maternity leave. Meanwhile my position at the Board of Education was precarious, people were still being let go and I was “excessed” to other high schools twice. If I took a leave I would drop lower in seniority and my job would be at risk. Heidi was already in high school and getting ready for college and we just decided that we couldn’t do it.
Judi and I eventually worked out a pretty good childcare schedule. I had to be at work early in the morning but she had flexibility so she either brought Solomon to the baby sister or to the day care center. Judi was often stuck late until the last child was picked up, but I was home by four so afternoon pick up and dinner were my responsibility. If Judi had to go into the Center on weekends to complete paperwork, I took Solomon with me on work weekends either getting the camp ready for the summer or closing it up in the fall.
You and mother were also a big help. As Solomon grew older you took him with you to visit my stepbrothers and sisters and their children so he developed a close relationship with cousins. It also gave us much needed adult time together. I know you loved all of your grandchildren, but Solomon was the one named after your father and we know father-son bonds are special.
Your son
Hard copies of these typed letters were discovered in an old camp trunk in the basement storage facility of one of the few buildings that remain standing in this Brooklyn neighborhood. The building is quite decrepit and is scheduled for demolition. The letters were found in November 2048 by a teenager who believes they were written by his great-grandfather. The letters are addressed to Mendel, the letter writer’s father, who appears to have been dead for at least six years when his son, whose name we are unsure of, started to write him. The son appears very agitated in some of the letters. With permission from the family, we are publishing them on the date they were written, only 28 years later.
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